Hat Parties for Cancer Patients

A hat party is a happy afternoon built around a hard thing. She might laugh, cry, or do both before the cake is cut.

My mom has fitted women through treatment since 1995, and she says until a woman has dealt with how she feels about losing her hair, she is unhappy with anything she picks. Sometimes the color really is wrong, and she can swap it. Often it is that she never expected to need a hat at all. So if she goes quiet, gets teary, or sets your gift aside for now, don't take it personally. She may come back to it in a month.

• Let her decide how much hair talk there is. One woman wants to joke about it all afternoon; another would rather the hats be the only mention. If she jokes, laugh with her, but let the first joke be hers.
• Keep the trying-on private if she likes. Set up a mirror in a quieter room so she can try hats on with one or two people, or save them to try on her own later. Don't make the trying-on a show.
• Let her be sad at her own party. If she cries, don't rush to cheer her up. Sit with her, and ask whether she would like company, a quieter room, or a break from the party.
• Keep the talk on her. Ask about the people and plans she loves. If she wants to talk about treatment, she'll bring it up.

Plan it like any other party, with the food, drinks and decorations she enjoys, and let everyone have a good time. Ask her first about anything she can't eat right now, since treatment can change that. Treatment can leave her more tired than usual, so build the day around what she'll be up for.

• Ask her first. Ask whether she would like a hat party before you plan anything. Some women love being the center of one; others would feel it had been done to them. Her yes comes before any planning, and the same goes for friends who want to shave their heads in solidarity. Ask her, because to some women that feels like company and to others it pulls the attention away from her.
• Make it hers. A big gathering with lots of guests suits one woman; four close friends and a pot of tea suits another. Think about who she is, and if you're not sure, ask her.
• Work with her treatment schedule. Not every chemo causes hair loss, but when it does, it usually starts one to four weeks after the first treatment,3 so there's a window. Some women like to hold the party before treatment begins, while they still have their hair and before they know how treatment will make them feel. Others would rather wait. Choose the date with her, and if treatment has started, ask her to check with her care team about any precautions for a gathering. Keep the plans loose so she can postpone without feeling she let anyone down.
• Pick a place where she's comfortable. A close friend's or family member's home usually works best. If she'd like to get out, a favorite café can bring back a little everyday life. Make sure she has a comfortable seat the whole time, and wrap things up as her energy starts to fade.
• Set out a guest book. Ask everyone to write a word of encouragement or a favorite memory. She can read it during treatment and go back to it on hard days. If a guest gets stuck, our quotes for cancer patients are a good place to borrow a line.
• Help her make a wish list. Browse hats for cancer patients and head scarves together, and let her pick the styles and colors she loves.

The easiest way to avoid three identical turbans is to let her choose. Ask her to send you a short list of favorites, then share it with guests by text or email so each person can claim a style. Guests who aren't sure what to pick can give a Headcovers gift certificate instead, so she can choose what she loves after the party.

I still wear some of the hats I purchased with gift cards.Jennifer S.

For more ideas, browse our gifts for cancer patients, or send a gift certificate and let her pick.

A theme gives guests something to plan around. Pick one, mix two, or skip it entirely.

the Roaring 20s

Glamorous headwear defined the 1920s, and we have hats for cancer patients to bring that swinging energy to the party: pretty turbans, classy cloches, and cool hats for the men in her life. Our Cotton Flapper Hat was made for this theme. If she'd like a wig to match, the decade also gave us sassy bobs and daring pixie cuts.

• Decorations: vases of faux feathers around the room, long pearl necklaces for every guest, and signs in a 1920s typeface.
• Food and drink: cake, deviled eggs and roasted nuts, with mocktails in martini glasses for the glamour.

pajama party

The only dress code anyone has ever been happy to follow. Everyone comes in their coziest loungewear, and a silk bathrobe she can wear all through treatment makes a lovely group gift. Soft sleep caps and turbans fit right in, and a blanket scarf finishes the look.

• Decorations: pillows, lots of pillows, with blankets and rugs spread across the floor.
• Food and drink: popcorn and hot cocoa, like a sleepover from years ago.

Once the gifts are open, give everyone something to do with their hands. These work with any theme.

The party is one afternoon. If her treatment causes hair loss, it usually starts one to four weeks after the first infusion,3 often after the first wave of attention has faded. Keep checking in, and follow through on what you offered.

• Set up the help schedule while everyone is in one room. The party is the easiest time to organize the weeks ahead. Put a sign-up sheet on the table, or pass a phone around with a shared calendar, and fill in the jobs: meals, rides to treatment, walking the dog, school pickups, a load of laundry, a check-in call. Ask one friend to keep the schedule, so she never has to be the one asking.
• Put a date in your calendar. Pick a day two or three weeks after her first treatment and call, text or arrange a short visit. A message that says "thinking of you today" means a lot more when she didn't have to ask for it.
• Offer something specific. "Can I bring dinner Thursday?" is easier to say yes to than "let me know if you need anything."
• Keep the guest book growing. Friends who couldn't come can mail a note or a photo, and she can tuck it inside for the long treatment days.
• Offer to be there for the shave, and mean it either way. Some women want company when they shave their head. Others would rather do it alone. Ask once, and let her answer stand.

My grandmother Carol came out of breast cancer surgery in 1990, and there was simply nothing she wanted to put on her head. When chemo took her red hair, it came out in clumps. She had always seemed in control, and suddenly nothing was, and she hated everything she tried to cover her head with. In 1995 she and my mom, Danielle, started Headcovers, because they wanted women going through hair loss to have better choices.

I have been wearing our hats since I was a baby, and my mom and I still try on every hat together. I think about my grandmother when we do. She picked her first turban from a hospital gift shop. A table covered in pretty hats, with the people you love telling you which ones are you, is what I would have wanted for her.

If you have thrown a hat party, or had one thrown for you, we would love to hear how it went. Tell us about it.