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Revised 10/28/26
for parents with cancer
How to Tell Your Children You Have Cancer
What to say at every age, honest answers to the hard questions children ask, and how to keep talking in the months that follow.
reviewed by Phyllis Yates, retired grief therapist
Honest, simple and loving is enough.
Telling your children you have cancer can feel harder than hearing the news yourself. You want to protect them, and part of you may wonder whether to tell them at all. But children usually sense when something is wrong, and what they imagine on their own can be scarier than the truth. Hearing it from you, in words that fit their age, helps them feel safe. Many parents feel they are about to take away their child's sense of safety.
the short version
if you are telling them soon
what helps
- Tell them yourself, soon, once you have had a little time to take in the news.
- Use the word "cancer."
- Tell them it isn't their fault, and they can't catch it.
- Tell them who will take care of them.
- "You can ask me anything, anytime."
try to avoid
- Keeping it a secret
- Promises you may not be able to keep, like "Everything will be fine"
- Telling one child and not the others
- Too much detail all at once
- Telling them right before school or bed
before you talk
a little preparation helps
Give yourself a little time first to take in the news. You don't need every answer before you begin. Tell them what you know and what you are still waiting to find out. Waiting a few days is fine. Waiting so long that they hear it from someone else is harder on everyone.
- Decide who will be there. Many parents tell their children together with a partner or another trusted adult. If you have more than one child, try to tell them together, or close together in separate conversations, so no one is left holding a secret. Then follow up with older children for the detail they want.
- Choose the time and place. Pick a quiet time at home when you won't be rushed. Avoid right before school or bed, so there is time for questions and a hug afterward.
- Practice first. Say the words out loud to a friend or your partner, and ask how your tone sounds and whether your words are clear. It will help you feel steadier when the time comes.
- Ask for help. Ask your cancer center for a social worker or child life specialist. They can help you plan what to say, and many have books, toy medical kits and scripts matched to your child's age.
- If they have already heard something. Children pick things up from phone calls and whispers. Start by asking what they know, then fill in the truth.
- It's okay to cry. If you tear up, that's alright. It shows your children that sad feelings are normal and can be shared. Children notice hushed voices, closed doors and calls that end when they walk in, and they often imagine something worse than the truth. Seeing you cry and hearing why is easier on them than guessing. You can say, "I'm sad, and that's okay. We'll get through this together."
what to tell them
simple, honest and in your own words
Most children need to hear a few things. You don't have to cover them all at once, and you can come back to any of them later. It can help to start by asking, "What have you heard about cancer?" A child who knew someone who died of cancer may already be frightened, while another may never have heard the word.
Use the word "cancer."
Calling it by its name helps children understand this is different from a cold or a scraped knee, and they won't be confused if they overhear the word later. If you only say you are "sick," a young child may confuse cancer with everyday illnesses like a cold.
You might say: "I have an illness called cancer. The doctors are going to treat it." Then explain your treatment in simple terms. Adapt every example to what you know.
"It isn't your fault, and you can't catch it."
Children sometimes wonder whether something they did or thought made you sick. Tell them plainly that nothing they did, said or thought caused your cancer, and that cancer isn't something they can catch from you. Hugs are still safe. Children need to hear three things: I didn't cause it, I can't catch it, and I can't cure it. The third one matters too, because some children believe that if they are good enough, you will get better.
"Some things are going to change."
Tell them about the changes they may see. The medicine that fights cancer can make you tired or sick for a while, and it may make your hair fall out. If you will have surgery, tell them you may not be able to pick them up or roughhouse for a while, and show them where you will be sore. Some parents let children see a port or a bandage and give it a simple name, to help it feel more familiar. Then tell them what will stay the same, and who will help: "Grandma will pick you up after school, and Mom will make dinner." Reassure them they will always be taken care of.
If your treatment may cause hair loss, tell them before it happens. Some families make it an event: the children help with the clippers, or choose the hat for treatment days. Invite them to join in if they want to, and let them sit it out if they prefer. Our chemo hair loss guide can help you plan for it.
"You can ask me anything."
Let them know no question is off limits, now or later. If you don't know an answer, say so: "I don't know, but I'll ask my doctor and tell you." Older children may want to look up answers with you.
"We'll keep talking."
This first talk is the start of a conversation. Share what is happening in small pieces as treatment goes on, instead of the whole plan at once. Let them know you will tell them when things change, and that they can come to you anytime.
what to say at every age
every child is different
Use words that fit your child's age and personality. These are rough guides. You know your child best. Some children, including those with learning or communication differences, may need smaller pieces of information, familiar words, more time, or pictures to help them understand.
young children
Keep it short and concrete, and focus on what will happen day to day: who will pick them up, who will put them to bed. Young children may ask the same question many times, and that's normal. They may show their feelings through play, or by being clingy or acting younger for a while.
You might say: "On the days I go to the hospital for my medicine, Grandma will pick you up from school and stay with you until I get home."
school-age children
Children this age can understand more. A simple explanation of how cancer and treatment work may help them feel less afraid. They may worry that they caused it or could catch it, so say clearly that they didn't and can't. Many like having a small way to help.
You might say: "The medicine that treats my cancer can make me tired, and it may make my hair fall out for a while. I'm still me, and I still want to hear all about your day."
teenagers
Teens can handle more detail and may want to know the treatment plan. Some want to talk; others pull away or turn to friends. Many will look things up online and find scary stories that have nothing to do with your cancer. Offer to look at trusted sources together. Keep the door open without pushing. Let them keep their own lives going, and be careful not to lean on them as caregivers or as the person you confide in most.
You might say: "Ask me anything, anytime. Your main job is still to be a teenager: school, practice, your friends. You don't have to stay home to show you care."
adult children
Tell them directly and soon. If you can, choose a moment when they are able to take it in, not while they are driving or at work. Many adult children want details and want to help. Ask what they'd like to know, share what you're comfortable sharing, and tell them what help you'd welcome, including which decisions you'd like help thinking through. If they live far away, let them know how they can help from a distance.
a note from our founder
I found out over the phone. I was driving home from college in Illinois to Oklahoma for Christmas, and I had stopped at a pay phone somewhere in Missouri to let my mother know how far I'd gotten. It was freezing outside. Doctors had first told her the lumps under her arms were cat scratch fever, but she had just gotten more test results back, and she told me then. It's one of those moments, like hearing about 9/11, where I can still picture the scene vividly.
It probably wasn't the best way to find out. But looking back, I'm glad she was honest with me and didn't wait. I'm someone who wants to know what is happening. She always confided in me, and I think she felt safe with me. Every child is different.
That Christmas, she sold a gold coin my grandfather had given her and bought each of us a gift. Mine was a small diamond ring. I think she wanted us to have something to keep, in case she didn't make it.
Danielle
grandchildren
If you are a grandparent, talk with the children's parents first about what to share and when. Then tell the grandchildren together with their parents, or let the parents lead.
answering the hard questions
honest words for the questions that come
Children often ask the hardest questions right away, or weeks later at bedtime or in the car. It helps to think about your answers ahead of time.
"Are you going to die?"
Answer with what your doctors have told you about your own cancer, without promising what you can't know. If you don't know yet, it's okay to say so.
If you don't know yet: "I don't know yet. The doctors are still working out what this means for me. I'll tell you what we learn, and we will make sure you are always taken care of."
If your doctors expect treatment to work: "My doctors think this treatment has a good chance of working. If anything changes, I'll tell you."
If your doctors have said you may die from your cancer, use clear, simple words like "die" and "death." Children understand them better than phrases like "going away." Tell them who will take care of them, and keep telling them. Your care team's social worker can help you plan these conversations, and many hospitals have counselors for children.
"Did I make you sick?"
You might say: "No. Nothing you did, said or thought made me sick."
"Can I catch it?"
You might say: "No. Cancer isn't like a cold. You can hug me and sit with me just like always."
"Who will take care of me?"
Name the people and the plan: who will drive them, who will make dinner, who they can call. Knowing their own life is taken care of is often what children need most.
"Will your hair fall out?"
You might say: "It might, because of the medicine. It usually grows back after treatment ends. Want to help me pick out a hat?"
Our guide to shaving your head before chemo explains the options and how to prepare.
in the weeks and months that follow
keep the conversation going
- Keep checking in. These conversations can be brief. A few minutes may be enough, or your child may want to talk longer. Follow their lead, and leave room for questions later. "How are you feeling about my treatment?" or "Anything you've been wondering about?"
- Keep routines as normal as you can. School, practice, chores and bedtime give children something steady to hold on to. If routines have to change, tell them ahead of time.
- Let them help, if they want to. Small jobs, like bringing you a blanket, choosing a movie, or being in charge of picking your hat on treatment days, help children feel useful. Keep it small, so they never feel responsible for your care. Let them know their help comforts you, but being good or helping more can't make the cancer go away.
- Stay in touch during hospital stays. Calls and video chats help, and so do visits when you feel up to it. Prepare them for what they will see, like tubes, a port or a hospital bed.
- Tell the important adults. Teachers, coaches and school counselors can keep an eye out and offer support. Let older children have a say in who is told.
- Let every feeling be okay. Children may feel angry, sad, scared, or seem fine and then fall apart later. Tell them that whatever they feel is normal, and that nothing they are feeling is wrong. Some children keep their worries to themselves because they don't want to upset you, so a quiet child isn't always a child who is fine. Let them know they can tell you difficult things, and help them find another trusted adult to talk with too.
- Let them have fun. Tell them they don't have to feel sad all the time to show they love you. Seeing friends and doing things they enjoy is good for them.
- Get extra support if they need it. If worries last or start to affect sleep, school or friendships, ask your care team about counselors and programs for children whose parents have cancer.
- Share good news too. Tell them when treatment ends or a scan goes well. Children carry the worry with you, and they deserve the relief as well.
Above all, keep showing your children love and affection. Remind them that cancer doesn't change how much you love them, or the bond your family shares.
more support
for you and your children
- Your cancer center. Ask for the social worker or child life specialist. They can help you plan what to say and connect your family with local programs.
- Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Answers to common questions about talking with children about cancer.
- National Cancer Institute. When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide for Teens, written for teenagers themselves.
- Kesem. Free summer camps for ages 6 to 18, and year-round support, for children whose parent has or has had cancer.
- Wonders & Worries. Free guidance for parents on talking with children about serious illness, with a helpline at 1-844-939-6633.
- Picture books. Nowhere Hair by Sue Glader explains chemo hair loss gently, and The Invisible String by Patrice Karst is a story about staying connected when you are apart.
questions
the short answers
should I tell my children I have cancer?
In most cases, yes. Children usually sense when something is wrong, and what they imagine on their own can be scarier than the truth. Hearing it from you, in words that fit their age, helps them feel safe and lets them come to you with questions.
when should I tell my children I have cancer?
Soon, once you have had a little time to take in the news yourself. You don't need every answer first. Tell them what you know and what you are still waiting to find out, and try to tell them before they notice changes or overhear it from someone else.
how do I explain cancer to a young child?
Keep it short and simple: "I have an illness called cancer. The doctors are going to treat it." Then explain your treatment in simple words that fit what your doctors have told you. Tell them it isn't their fault, that they can't catch it, and who will take care of them. Expect the same questions again, and answer them each time.
what do I say if my child asks if I'm going to die?
Answer with what your doctors have told you about your own cancer, without promising what you can't know. If you don't know yet, say so: "I don't know yet. I'll tell you what we learn, and we will make sure you are always taken care of." If your doctors have said you may die, use clear words like "die" and "death," and ask your care team's social worker for help planning these conversations.
how do I tell my adult children I have cancer?
Tell them directly and soon, and if you can, at a moment when they are able to take it in, not while they are driving or at work. Ask what they would like to know, share what you are comfortable sharing, and tell them what kind of help you would welcome.
how do grandparents tell grandchildren about cancer?
Talk with the children's parents first about what to share and when. Then tell the grandchildren together with their parents, or let the parents lead, using the same simple, honest words you would use with any child.
If treatment affects your hair
Soft hats and scarves, and a chance for your children to help you choose.
keep learning
Phyllis Yates
Retired grief therapist with a master's degree in clinical psychology. Wrote the original version of this guide and reviewed this page.
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