What to Say to Someone with Cancer (and What Not to Say)

News like this can knock the wind out of you too. If you have time before a call or visit, take a moment to steady yourself. Pray, take a walk, call a friend, cry if you need to. Give yourself room for your own feelings so you can listen to theirs.

If you tear up while you are with them, that's alright. Just try not to leave them comforting you. They have enough to carry.

comfort in, worries out

Here is a simple way to think about it. Picture the person with cancer in the middle of a few circles. The people closest to them are in the first circle, often a partner or children, though it might be a sister or a best friend. Everyone else fills in around them. Send comfort in, toward the middle. Take your own worries out, to someone further from the middle than you are.

If you need to talk through your own fear, call a friend of your own, so the person with cancer doesn't have to take care of you. Psychologist Susan Silk and mediator Barry Goldman call this ring theory.

Shared tears are okay. Protect their privacy.

One caution before you call that friend: the diagnosis may still be private. Ask who they want to know, and when you talk about your own feelings, leave out the details that are theirs to share.

And if you don't know what to say, say something anyway. An awkward text is far easier to receive than silence from someone who used to call.

Many of these phrases are meant kindly. That's what makes them so easy to say. People differ in what comforts them, so use these as starting points, and follow their lead, especially around faith, humor and words like "strong" or "fighter."

A good test for any phrase: what does it ask of them?

If it asks them to reassure you, give you news, sound grateful or explain themselves, try something that leaves them room instead.

a few more to skip

• "You're so strong," "You're a warrior," or "You're going to beat this." They can leave someone feeling they have to perform courage for everyone else, and nobody knows the outcome. Let them be scared, tired or sad with you.
• "At least..." At least it was caught early, at least it's a good kind, at least you'll lose weight. Anything that starts with "at least" shrinks what they are going through.
• "It's just hair. It'll grow back." Losing your hair is not a small thing, and grieving it is not vanity. It is how they have recognized themselves in the mirror their whole life.
• "Stay positive." It puts the weight of the outcome on their mood, and nobody can be cheerful every day. Let them have the hard days too.
• "Everything happens for a reason." However you mean it, it can sound as if the cancer was deserved or planned. Leave the meaning-making to them.
• "Did you smoke?" or "Does it run in your family?" Questions about the cause can feel like blame, even when you're only curious.
• "You should try this diet," or "Have you seen this doctor?" People in treatment get a flood of advice. Unless they ask, trust them and their care team.
• "You look great!" A compliment can be welcome, but leave room for how they actually feel. If they tell you they are exhausted or hurting, believe them, even if they look well. "It's so good to see you. How's your energy today?" says the warm part and leaves room for the truth.

You care enough to look for the right words, and that already shows. None of these need to be said perfectly, and all of them can be said again. Choose words that fit your relationship and promises you can keep. Hearing the same reassurance more than once, even in the same conversation, helps someone believe they are not alone.

a few more that help

• "I don't know what to say, but I'm glad you told me." It's honest, and that's enough.
• "Take all the time you need." For a reply, a visit, or a decision.
• "I'm praying for you." If prayer is meaningful to them, this can be a real comfort. You can also ask whether there is something specific they would like you to pray for.
• "Do you want to vent, or do you want me to distract you?" It puts them in charge of the conversation. Some days they will want to talk about treatment. Other days they will want to hear about your week, mutual friends, even a little gossip.

Go ahead and ask "What do you need?" Some people know exactly what would help and are glad to be asked. Many don't, so turn the open question into something specific they can simply say yes to.

what makes any offer work

• Make it a standing offer. "I don't work Wednesdays or Thursdays. If you need a ride, or someone to sit with you, on either of those days, I'm your gal." Mention your offer again from time to time, so they know it still stands.
• Make "no" easy too. "No pressure either way" lets them turn you down without guilt.
• Follow through. Once they say yes, handle the details so they don't have to remind you.

Other offers that mean a lot: a food delivery gift card, since treatment can change what sounds good from one day to the next, or "Want me to come to your next appointment and take notes?" Our guide to how to help someone with cancer has many more ideas, including how to help from far away.

A card or a text lets them read your words when they have the energy, and reread them on a hard day. Keep it short, and take away any pressure to answer.

• "Thinking of you today. No need to write back."
• "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."
• "Would dinner on Thursday help? I can leave it on the porch, so you won't need to host."
• "You're on my mind. I'll call this weekend, and you only have to pick up if you feel like talking."
• "I don't have the right words, but I'm here."

Thinking of sending flowers? Ask first. Some hospital units don't allow them, and strong scents can be hard to be around during treatment.

If you want something more to say, our quotes for cancer patients are a good place to find a line for the inside of a card.

The first week brings calls, flowers and casseroles. Then everyone goes back to their lives, and treatment keeps going. That is when your next call matters most.

• Keep showing up. A short call, a text, a card in the mail. Small and steady is the goal.
• Keep sharing ordinary life. News about friends, family and the world outside the hospital keeps them connected, and keeps the door open for whatever they want to share. Keep asking their opinion and sharing the ordinary stories you would have told them before. "I have a ridiculous work story if you feel like hearing it" lets them be the friend they have always been. Watch their energy, and let them decide how much they want to hear.
• Enjoy the good days with them. "I'm so glad you had a lovely afternoon" is a joy to hear. Just remember that a meal out or a smiling photo doesn't mean everything is easy now.
• Remember the hard dates. The days before and after a scan can be full of worry. Ask whether they like messages around appointments, or would rather bring up results themselves. "Thinking of you today" says you remembered without asking for news, and they may need time to take in their own results before explaining them to anyone.
• Let them lead with humor. If they joke about it, laugh with them. Being treated like themselves, and not like something fragile, can be a relief. Their joke is theirs, though. Ask before repeating it to others or making it part of how you talk about their illness.
• When the news is hard, stay. You don't need answers. Sit with them, let silence be silence, and don't rush to change the subject. Holding their hand while they cry may be the most important thing you do. If they talk about dying, try not to close the conversation with "Don't think like that" or "We could all die tomorrow." You can say, "I wish you weren't facing this. I'm here to listen if you want to talk about what worries you."
• Don't stop when treatment does. The end of treatment can be its own hard stretch, just when everyone else stops checking in. Skip "You beat it, now put it behind you." Let them tell you what the milestone means to them. They may feel relieved, frightened, exhausted and happy all at once. "I'm glad this part is behind you. How are you feeling about it?" leaves room for all of it. They can appreciate everyone's kindness and still be having a hard time. Then keep calling.
• Ask before making them anyone's cancer adviser. Before you pass along their number or ask them to talk with someone newly diagnosed, check first: "A friend has just been diagnosed. Would you be comfortable if she contacted you? It's completely okay if you'd rather not." Some people find helping others meaningful. Some need distance from the subject.
• If you said the wrong thing, say so. "That came out wrong, and I'm sorry. I care about you." Then keep showing up.

If they would welcome one, offer a hug. It is often the best thing you can offer someone who is hurting, and it needs no words at all.