How to Help Someone with Cancer

• Don't make them manage it. "Let me know if you need anything" hands them a job. Working out what to ask for, and who to ask, is one more thing on a full plate.
• Don't make them host. No tidying up, no getting dressed, no making coffee for you. The best help can happen without them ever coming to the door.
• Handle the boring things. Grand gestures are lovely, but the everyday chores are what pile up.

It is still kind to ask "What do you need?" Some people know exactly, and are glad you asked. Many don't, so pair the question with two specific offers they can simply say yes to. Better still, sit down together, look at what's on their plate for the next few weeks, and make a schedule with other friends and family so the help is spread out. Our guide to what to say to someone with cancer has the words for that conversation.

• Take a chore off their hands. Check once that it would help, then agree on something you can do regularly: the trash cans out on trash night and back up the next day, the lawn, the walk after a snow. After that, no need to ask each time. Just do it, and leave a note so they know who did it.
• Send the "already at the store" text. "I'm at the grocery store now, picking up paper towels and dish soap for your porch. Want anything else? No answer means no." It turns a favor into a yes or no. If you live far away or are short on time, order groceries online to their door, and add a pint of their favorite ice cream.
• Clean the bathroom. It sounds small, and it can mean more than almost anything else. If your friends want to help together, pool your money for a cleaning service.
• Take on a regular chore. Walk the dog on the same days each week, take the dog to the groomer or the vet, or bring the laundry home with you and return it folded.
• Look after the kids. School pickups, homework help, a sleepover at your house. Kids need attention while a parent focuses on treatment, and time with you is good for them too, since they are working through this in their own way.
• Help with messages and mail. Make a pot of tea, sit down together, and type replies to the texts and emails piling up while they talk. If you are close, offer to go through the mail with them, medical bills included, or file paperwork and receipts.

Bringing meals is one of the oldest ways to help, and it still works. Just ask first. Treatment can change how food tastes and smells, and a casserole they loved last year may not appeal right now.

• Ask what sounds good this week. Mild, simple and small portions are often easier than a big rich dish. And if everyone else is bringing casseroles, switch it up: a make-your-own taco night, or something cold.
• Leave it on the porch. "Would dinner on Thursday help? I can leave it on the porch, so you won't need to host." Once they say yes: "I'll leave it by the door at five and text when it's there." Use containers they don't have to return.
• Send a food delivery gift card. Then they can order exactly what sounds good, at the moment it sounds good.
• Organize a meal sign-up. A free meal scheduling site spreads the cooking across friends, so meals don't all arrive in the same week.

• Drive, wait and drive home. Infusions can take hours. Taking the whole trip frees up the caregiver to work or rest. If you can't be there, book and pay for a ride.
• Be a second set of ears. Offer to come to appointments and take notes, so they can listen and not worry about remembering everything.
• Bring the comforts. Infusion rooms and waiting rooms run cold. A soft sleep cap, a lap blanket, a long phone charger and a few ginger chews make a long chair easier.
• Or just keep them company. Bring a book or a puzzle and sit with them. You don't have to fill the time with talk.

• Learn a little on your own. Read about their type of cancer and treatment, so they don't have to explain it all again. Let them decide how much they want to talk about it.
• Listen. Ask how they are feeling, and let them talk without rushing to fix it. Our guide to what to say helps when it's your turn to answer.
• Keep visits short, and call first. Surprise drop-ins can mean tidying up and making conversation when they would rather rest. Some people love a short visit. Some would rather have none for a while. Both are fine.
• Give them space after hard days. The days right after treatment can be rough. A short text asking how today is going is plenty. Skip the pity, and let them lead.
• Treat them the way you always have. They are still the same person, and they have enough reminders that they are sick. Keep life normal: a movie marathon on the couch, a drive through the countryside, coffee at their favorite spot, with no pressure to say yes. Talk about something besides cancer, or just sit together in comfortable silence. On a good day, a short walk outside can feel wonderful. Bring a sun hat along.
• Make plans. A weekly takeout and game night gives you both something to count on. And don't shy away from plans further out. A trip next summer is something to look forward to.
• Make them laugh. Bring a funny story from your week. There is room for laughter even on hard days, and it can break up the heaviness of treatment.
• Let one person handle the updates. Answering the same question thirty times is exhausting. A family member can run a group text or an online update page, so friends get news without asking. If they are people of faith, the same person can keep a prayer list, so they only have to share a request once.

The spouse, parent or adult child doing the caregiving carries a lot that nobody sees. Helping them is one of the best ways to help the person with cancer.

• Give them time off. Stay at the house for a few hours, so they can run errands, see their own doctor, or sleep without listening for a call.
• Feed them too. Send coffee or lunch to the hospital waiting room, or to their work.
• Take a job off their list. The meal sign-up, the update group, the insurance phone calls, the prescription pickups.
• Ask about them. Everyone asks how the patient is doing. Ask how they are doing, and give them time to answer.

• Send texts that need no answer. "Thinking of you today. No need to reply." Or a photo of your dog in a silly hat, with no cancer talk at all.
• Mail cards and letters, more than once. A handwritten letter is something to hold onto and reread on a hard day.
• Set a regular call time. The same evening each week gives you both something to count on. If they would like company during an infusion, offer to call or video chat while they sit, and let them pick the time. Some days they will want quiet, and that is fine.
• Do something together from afar. Watch the same show while you talk on the phone, invite a few friends onto a video call, or read a book aloud to them. Sometimes just hearing a familiar voice is the comfort.
• Send something silly. Not every gift has to be practical. A funny book, a gag gift that fits their sense of humor, or a comic you know they will love.
• Send food and help from where you are. A delivery gift card, a grocery order to their door, or a cleaning service you book and pay for.
• Ship a small care package. Pick a theme: a comfort box with tea, a mug and a soft blanket, or a quiet afternoon box with a paperback, a puzzle and their favorite cookies. Our guide to making a chemo care package covers what to include and what to leave out.
• Run the updates. Distance doesn't stop you from managing the group text or the meal sign-up for the family.

Treatment can be expensive, and taking cash from friends can feel awkward. A few gentler ways to help: pool money with friends for a cleaning service or meals, give gift cards for groceries or gas, or contribute to a fundraiser if the family has set one up. Keep it simple, and don't make them write thank-you notes.

The best gifts get used every day. Skip scented candles, perfumed lotions and plants that need care. Treatment can change how things smell, and some hospital units don't allow flowers or plants.

• Something soft for their head. A sleep cap for cold nights, an easy turban or pre-tied scarf, or an everyday hat in a shape they already like. Losing hair can be one of the hardest parts of treatment, and something pretty to wear tells them you understand.
• Comfort for treatment days. A bamboo lap blanket, a soft shirt with port access so nobody has to undress for an infusion, or something from our bamboo clothing, like the Katinka blouse and Pippa pants. For recovery at home, a silk robe.
• Small, gentle care. A lip treatment, unscented lotion or ginger chews.
• A little pampering. A gift card for a gentle massage, ideally with a therapist who works with people in treatment. Check with their care team first.
• Something homemade. A plate of their favorite brownies, a dish they love, a gift you made yourself.
• Something that is just for fun. A book by a favorite author, a puzzle, a streaming gift card, music for the infusion chair.

For more ideas, browse our gifts for cancer patients, or plan a hat party with friends.

• Keep showing up. Help pours in during the first weeks, then fades while treatment keeps going. A regular chore, a weekly text or a monthly meal means a lot later on.
• Don't stop when treatment does. The end of treatment can be its own hard stretch. Skip the big surprise party unless they want one, and ask how they are doing now.
• Take care of yourself too. Lean on your own people when it gets heavy for you. Ask the care team about support groups for family members and caregivers.